Monthly Archives: April 2012

Ironman 2012: Overcoming our Mental Demons

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IRONMAN: ‘Anything is Possible’

In this Ironman Race Report I’m going to share with you the Mental Challenges (Demons) that I and am sure that many of us face when we are striving to go to places we haven’t been before. Yes, I am opening myself up to scrutiny in a sense (never easy) and the reason I am doing so is that I think many others go through similar mental roadblocks and hopefully this may help a few of them to work (better) through such situations in the future.

If there is one thing I’ve learnt by doing Ironman competitions is that if you can prepare for an Ironman and complete it, then ‘Anything is Possible’ in your life going forward. It’s such a mental challenge (physical too) that it raises your ceiling and you start to believe what was previously thought impossible.

It is easier to cast a Vision, set bigger goals and dream mighty dreams once you’ve completed an Ironman as you are able to see yourself as you can become, as opposed to viewing yourself as you are now, which is very often the major obstacle that prevents us from chasing our Dreams.

I can tell you that I thought I was exceptionally well prepared for IM this year and mentally I was in a good place. Sure I had not done as much cycling as in previous years (due to training partner Raynard Tissink having moved to Cape Town), but I had worked and improved both my swimming and running quite considerably, or so I thought. If there was one concern it was that in race week I didn’t rest enough and I tried to do a little too much in helping other people participating in IM. Having said that many people are working a full week leading up to IM but I guess for me it was a little foreign and draining.

The weather conditions did not worry me in the least, as my motto is the ‘tougher the better’, but for the sake of the event, the majority of the participants and the spectators I would be happy with calmer conditions and the possibility of a fast time. Not to be though, so time to focus on the job at hand and embrace the weather conditions!

It was icy cold pre-dawn, probably close to 10 Degrees and I was getting ready for the start with fellow competitor and friend Graeme Gill and we had to strip off our warm tracksuits in the pouring rain to put on our wetsuits…. Brrr! Lucky to bump into my wife Michelle after double checking bike/nutrition in Transition and then it was down to the start area (lost Graeme along the way) and I was fortunate to bump into another friend, Roger Hooke, a man who knows the sea better than anybody and did I tap into his knowledge, which helped my swim immensely… thanks Roger!

The 15 minutes before the start was unbelievable, the atmosphere, the excitement, the nerves, the anthem… it was mind boggling as always. A quick little Prayer and then the Cannon fired and we were off and this was my first trouble free start/swim to the first Buoy. The first lap was quite a breeze (excuse the pun), but the second lap was a beast of note, especially the back straight towards the harbour. However, I was swimming very well or was under the impression I was going well in my brand new Orca 3.8 wetsuit, which incidentally is the best wetsuit I have ever worn, wow the development of wetsuits has come a long way since 1990.

I exited the water frozen to my core and when I saw the time going into the transition tent (70 minutes), I was a little disappointed, but in hindsight seems the swim wasn’t too bad for me. Anyway a lightning slow transition (probably because I was shivering from the cold and thank goodness I had packed my arm warmers) and I was off on the bike to face the dreaded gale, which I think if it had raised it’s ugly head an hour earlier, the swim may have been called off. Race Director Paul Wolf and his team did an amazing job once again, but he must have had a few anxious moments late in the swim, for the safety of some of the slower swimmers.

Note: The Pros and top AG’s were 15-20% slower than normal on the swim, equating to 20-28 minutes slower for those trying to beat the swim cut-off, so to those who did make the swim a big congratulations and to those who didn’t keep trying as that was mean. You will never fear another Ocean or Ironman swim again!

The 180km bike ride (3 laps) was going to be a test of nerves, a test of survival and a battle of the mind and it wasn’t going to be made any easier by the fact I would ride past my tempting driveway (home) six times. Well it didn’t take me long to realise I was going to have to ride on feel, as my computer was malfunctioning (perhaps the rain) and I had made a Primary School error and forgotten my Garmin in my hotel room (which I managed to get from Chris and Michelle Howes at Personal Seconding at the end of the first lap….. thanks guys for your support and help throughout the race). All good I thought, as one needed to beware of overcooking the legs into the headwind, so I took things easy into the wind and rode within myself with the wind, but unfortunately I realised early on that my ‘bike legs’ had deserted me and I knew I was in for a tough race.

Note: One thing I have learnt in my training and with a Power Meter, is how easy it is for the Watts (Power Output) to sky rocket on the uphills and into a strong wind, so we were facing a lethal concoction of both all the way to the turn. Hence, the need to restrain yourself and ignore a computer staring you in the face at 15km/hr if you want to have legs for the later laps and the run.

This Ironman was becoming an Ironman with a difference! Yes, they all present unique mental and physical challenges, but this was a race where one had to try and work with what you have on the day, the hand you are dealt and we had all been dealt a tough hand. As much as I say you have to try and work with what you have, this was one of my biggest mental examinations. Picture the situation, you have won the 2011 70.3 World Championships in your Age Group (so you are a marked man); you have recently been named Isuzu’s Ironman Brand Ambassador which had got off to a bad start with the East London 70.3 (5 punctures and 35th place in my Age Group) so you are feeling the pressure; you have sacrificed a great deal from a family and a work point of view; you have trained your butt off and you are pursuing a 27 year goal of going to Kona? There is a mighty big Monkey you need to get off your back and it is all going very pear shaped all too early!!!!

As I had mentioned my ‘riding legs’ weren’t feeling quite there, but initially you try and over-ride the negative thoughts, believing it may be the wind, but then a few local Ironmen come past you (guys who you normally ride similar too) and the mind begins to wonder? I’m talking about guys coming past when you are looking for parking in comparison, it’s sort of mind blowing to say the least and a fairly unfamiliar experience.

So it was a case of trying to be patient, trying to save whatever legs you do have for the run, in the hope that you do at least have running legs. The toughest part of an IM is leaving your pride at home and letting people pass you in the hope that you can catch them later, although in this case it was not letting people go by choice I simply could not respond. One of the amazing things was that although I wasn’t cycling fast and was slowing lap by lap, as the wind was getting stronger and I was getting fatigued, not as many people did come past as in previous years, so perhaps most others were struggling too, so there was a glimmer of hope.

Lap one and 60km of the bike leg completed and you ask around for the time, to try have an idea of how you are doing and somebody shouts it’s after the 9 O’Clock News…. What a sense of humour failure I had, I mean I had hit this point at 8h44 last year and now it truly dawned on me that I was in trouble. The ride up to Mount Pleasant was even tougher on the second lap and now my Mental Demons were coming to haunt me, as I started to wonder where I was in my race for that one elusive qualification slot for Kona. It’s almost like there is some hard wiring within one’s brain because some of these Mental Challenges were similar to the things I used to grapple with and succumb to as a young athlete at school. Over time I have worked on the mental side and toughened up somewhat, but in Ironman 2012 we were faced with radical weather conditions and I was being haunted by even more radical Mental Demons. (read section on Mental Demons/Challenges later in report)

Eventually the 180km bike came to a relieving end both physically and mentally and now it was time to start getting focussed on the foot race and although there was some confusion on Ironmanlive.com, as they had the Belgian Stefaan Vervisch listed in the 45-49 category, my wife had bumped into his sister after the swim and she had told Michelle that he was actually in my category so I was fully aware that we were in fact racing each other (although I was secretly hoping we weren’t). The crowd support was immense, but compounding my mental struggles was the fact that many were following Ironman live and seeing that I was ‘supposedly’ leading my age category and hundreds of people were screaming “Alec you are leading, you are going to Hawaii”, yet I knew I was second and was facing the toughest challenge of my sporting life. It was like riding the worst roller coaster ride ever, as my stomach was churning in similar vein.

Trying to remain calm, but also trying to close the gap to the Belgian I was thrilled to find I at least had some good running legs and the first lap it was a case of trying to keep the lid on the pace and not to panic and blow my whole race. So I aimed to run 4:45’s (other than Admiralty into the wind) and clocked 67:30 for the first lap, but to my dismay I had lost another 4 minutes on the leader and was now 22 minutes adrift.

I recall thinking my only hope now was that he had gone too hard on the bike and on the first lap of the run (he had averaged 4:30’s for the first 14km), so I kept plugging away knowing I was giving all that I had. I had to try and remain mentally strong, as physically I was being beaten into submission but I kept on telling myself to keep on fighting. So I plugged away on the 2nd lap, running marginally under 5 min/km for most of the kilometres, but lost a further 3 minutes. Going into the last lap I knew I had come up against a Superhuman performance and unless a miracle happened the Belgian was going to the World Championships in Kona, Hawaii and I was going to be left trying again in the future.

So onto the last lap of the run….. it was absolute torture, the pain in the legs, the burn in the lungs, the ache in my heart….. and your mind plays all sorts of games with you. On the one hand you are trying to come to terms with the disappointment of coming up short of your goals and on the other you are trying to keep yourself motivated, as there is always the chance that somebody could still run you down from behind. Your body wants to slow as your mind tells you so what if you are 3rd and not 2nd, but thank goodness I didn’t as it proved to be vitally important. (see Silver Lining later in report)

I sort of trudged through that last lap, thanks Ryan (Junior) and Claire Horner for the encouragement towards the end as we shared in our suffering and thanks to the amazing supporters, coming out in that weather to lift us along the Beachfront. I was keeping an eye on any 50 odd year old trying to chase me down from behind and eventually I hit that beachfront for the last time and found a reserve tank of energy that had been hiding, so upped my tempo to the finish line and was thrilled to hear PK’s voice in the distance. The last kilometer was like a blur and then I turned towards the finish, was thrilled to give my supportive kids Camryn and Jamie a high five, to run along the red carpet and to hear the words “You are an Ironman!” as this time I felt I truly was. Then an exhausted reunion with a very supportive family and some special friends but I was overcome with emotion, I was internally disappointed, I felt I had let people down, the tears flowed, but later on reflection I knew that I could not have done anything different on the day to change my race and I was beaten by one of the performances of the day, a 50 year old from Belgium who finished 35th overall.

So I was beaten, but I am not finished and I will get up off that canvas and I will stand on that start line in Hawaii later this year and dedicate that race to three fallen Heroes, my Stepson Reece, my Dad Harry and Jesus who Blessed me with the Talents to persevere and to believe that our best days are not necessarily over and that we should continue to Dream big Dreams!

My Mental Demons/Challenges

I’m not sure if talking openly about them is the right thing to do, but perhaps that will make me stronger next time, perhaps it will help ‘Burn the Boats’ so that there is no thought of surrender, no thought of slowing in the future. Hopefully other people may learn something, find a way to counter their negative thoughts, to overcome their mental demons and if one can then it was worthwhile.

So let me share some of the thoughts racing through my mind, thoughts that I was trying to rip out of my brain and toss them into the Ocean. It’s incredible, a weakness if you like but you just have to find a way to conquer your innermost challenges and fears if you are to have any chance of achieving your goals, or finishing a race like this one.

  1. My mind was telling me I hadn’t done the big miles on the bike that I had done the past two years with Raynard, that I had short changed myself by missing crucial long rides and that I’m not the cyclist I used to be. I tried to counter that with what to me was a very encouraging Time Trial at SA Triathlon Champs, but my mind shot back with the fact that that was only 40km and this was 180km.
  2. My mind was telling me that my body was drained going into the race and yes I knew I had taken on too much (not physical training) and hadn’t put my feet up as I had done in previous years. I had no counter argument, other than to keep on fighting, pushing, hurting.
  3. My mind was telling me that I had skipped too many crucial ‘tickover’ sessions in the final two weeks, an example in point I received my new Orca wetsuit in the week leading up to the race, but never found time to test it out, other than a ten minute swim on the Friday morning. I thought perhaps this was true and my muscles had gone to sleep in the final build up. Perhaps I hadn’t Carbo Loaded enough, or taken in enough Nutrition during the race?
  4. All the while my mind was trying to convince me to dream up a reasonable explanation, an excuse if you like if I failed (that dreaded disease called ‘excusititis’ that nobody else is really interested in). Something to explain why I wasn’t good enough on the day; something to explain to my family and to cushion their inevitable disappointment; something to explain to my sponsors who were sharing my dream of trying to get to the Big Island in Hawaii; something to explain to all those who doubted my ability and something to explain to those who delight in seeing others fail.
  5. Fear of Failure is something that haunted me as a youngster and here it was coming back to haunt me. In my younger days it was easy to succumb to that little voice that tells you that you Can’t, but I had to find a way to keep the Faith and to believe that I CAN.
  6. I tried so many things, I thought of Team Garwood and their immense Life and Ironman challenges, I thought of Blind Athlete Hein Wagner who had delivered a wonderful message at Iron Prayer on the Saturday afternoon, ending off with “I’m blind, what’s your excuse?” I thought of my Late Stepson who passed tragically in 2004 and was the catalyst to me starting to dream of getting fit again, I thought of my Late Dad who passed just before last year’s Ironman and I tried to draw strength. I looked skywards and had many discussions, even debates with the man above and I promised to keep the Faith, to keep on trying, to endure, to persevere.
  7. Fortunately I have done lots of reading, have done a fair amount of motivational talks and I started thinking of some of the things I had focussed upon. I thought of one of the things I had learnt about Success and how we measure ourselves, which was if we focus on how the world measures us we are setting ourselves up for Failure, as Millions aspire to this, but winning races is achieved by very few. But if we focus upon doing the best that we can with what we have, in other words striving for personal excellence, then we could come out on top every single time. Strangely enough we could all be Successful if we viewed Life in this manner, but very few do.
  8. In my walk with the Lord I have learnt that there is nothing noble about being better than somebody else and that true nobility is about striving to be better than your previous self. As much as I made a deal with myself that I was going to adopt this motto for the rest of the day, that I was going to try and focus solely upon doing the best that I could do, it’s not quite that simple, but it was getting better even if only for a short while.
  9. The problem is that it is so, so difficult to keep on pushing your heart, your nerve and your sinew when everything is crying out for levity. It’s a lot easier when you are pushing for the Gold, or for the coveted slot for Kona, but when you are getting beaten into submission by a Superhuman performance it is so much tougher. When you are ‘racing’ with no thought of reward, of falling short of your goal, or realising that all the hard yards, the days and months of preparing weren’t working out, it’s tough to keep on pushing, but push on I did and I persevered as best I could.
  10. I thought of my younger days, when I was about 7 or 8 and I stood in awe looking at my late Father trying to inspire his boxers in a Gym in Zambia. He was an ex Professional Boxer himself and he was telling them that if you want to be successful, then all you have to do when you are knocked to the canvas, is to get up just one more time than you are knocked down. I couldn’t always do that as a young boy and I stayed down on that canvas and lost, but over time and in Ironman 2012 I’m proud to say I hit the canvas often, but forced myself up just one more time than I was knocked down in memory of my greatest hero, my Dad Harry Riddle.

The Silver Lining

So Ironman 2012 taught me one big Lesson, it was to try and push those negative thoughts aside, to keep on force feeding myself with some positives (although they were hind to find in that Storm), to dig as deep as I could and then find a little more, because you just never know what may lie in store on this Journey of Life.

I raced Ironman 2012 for 10 hours 50 minutes and some change and for many of those hours I was taking body blows that almost had me pull over to the side of the road and slow down.I gave it my all – all of the time.
I did not give up. I did not give in.
I did not give out. I am one of the Lord’s warriors –
a competitor by conviction and a disciple of determination

Amazingly there was a silver lining as unbeknown to me this year an additional slot was allocated to our Age Group and I was sitting at the Slot Allocation when Race Director Paul Wolf  announced two slots for our Age Group.

 So here I was Blessed with a Gift of a Qualification spot for the World Ironman Championships in Kona, Hawaii in October 2012.

The 27 year wait is over (if I can stay upright on my bike and not repeat 2010’s disaster) and when I stand on that start line in Hawaii I believe I will have WON, irrespective of the outcome on the day.

The Lord’s Gift to me was my Talents and my Gift to Him has been trying to learn how to maximise my Talents. I am learning all of the time and as Abraham Lincoln once said “I will prepare and one day my chance will come.”

Perhaps this is my Chance!

Thank You to my Sponsors, in particular Isuzu, but also to Orca Wetsuits, Cytomax, Oakley, Action Sports and Online Innovations. Thank you to my work colleagues at Consolidated Financial Planning and last but not least thanks to my Family and my Friends, your support means the world to me.